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| alcosatz |
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FT Classic Op
Registered Member #39
Joined: Fri Dec 02 2005, 10:30PMPosts: 1545 |
Oh boy, where to start... first off, this is long. Scroll bars don't lie. Yeah, you've got some reading ahead of you if you choose to finish this post. This is not me attempting to be melodramatic. I've got a pretty depressing and fucked up sense of humor and all that jazz (thanks dad!) but I hope no one classifies this as an 'emo' post or anything similar. It would truly break my heart. My goal may seem elusive while your eyes glaze over reading this post but there is something positive for me, hell, maybe even you, buried in here somewhere. Have no fear, this is your soon-to-be-ex FTC Kap'n speaking, and I'm speaking from both the heart and (beer) gut. It's worth pointing out that the topics I'm about to unfold are not necessarily anchored with any recent issues, so don't roll your eyes and think it's about you-know-who  . You-know-who has certainly been a catalyzing factor, but that person is by no means the core reason I am doing this, and it would help me immensely if a few peeps would corroborate that I have been on the brink of doing this for months. Unfortunately I have not given much in the way of immediate notice or specific details that I would be doing this now, so the aforementioned (yet anonymous) peeps may feel a bit scorned for not being in the loop. I'm truly sorry to those folks, but I've talked about this with some of them, off and on, for over a year so they can't be TOO surprised.But enough with the suspense, here we go: I'm taking a break. Not a week to visit family and milk my vacation time at work. This is a John Mayer-style break. Unfortunately I do not have a wife and kids to look after as John does, so I'm not sure exactly what I will do during my break, but becoming less of an alcoholic is floating to the top of the list. Also, before someone points out that this is not in the "Leave The Light On" forum... well, eat me. As far as I'm concerned this is an FTC issue since I have been mostly inactive in FT clan issues as well as a deadbeat when it comes to fishtankclan.com web site administration. While I'm mentioning that, go ahead and ax my clan membership in both 925 and FT--I'll ask for them again if I feel compelled to get involved in the future. So yeah, topic one: my alcoholism. You can't spend too much time being an obnoxious asshole in an online FPS environment, under the dubious name of 'Alcohol-Powered,' without picking up a reputation for being too fond of the 'sauce.' It's scary bad to think how many brewskis I've put down during the past few years. I'd like to think they were more of a 'social lubricant,' in the words of the fictitious character Bill Mayhew, but unfortunately the means have become an end, and it has been this way for too long. Drinking to get drunk and squeezing in a little bit of CS:S on the way is no way to go about life. This is my primary reason for drying up the source (how witty, 'Source,' as in Counter-Strike: Source!) of my excuse to get drunk many times per week. Sure I can listen to music for six hours and get shitfaced, but there is something about drinking, CS:S, and showing up for work late that seems to happen far too often. Even if showing up for work late too much was bad enough, there are health concerns to consider. 'Genetics are hell' as the old man says, and having both of my grandfathers suffering from serious alcohol-related illness over the past several years should have been a wake up call. I'm choosing a different path at this point. I'm not doing it for Jesus (not either of our messiahs here on FT!), or Buddha (not the one here either!) or the everlasting void of nothingness (more my areligious style...). My decision to address and resolve my alcoholism is for me, by me, and will benefit me. If I wanted to be a brat I'd blame my dying grandfathers. Instead I'm choosing to admit that I got myself into this situation and I will be the person responsible for bailing my brew-sodden ass out. Reason two for taking a break: I try to browbeat just about anyone into submission. It's not just here either because I do this shit at work. My basic principle of "getting things done" has been that if I talk long and loud enough about anything, well, people will eventually cave and do things my way. I'm sure many topics spring to mind for our forum population!  Going through life like this is not helping me. I'm fairly certain that people here (and at work) simply appease me because they do not want to listen to me talk for hours on end. There are subtle nuances to most situations but the ways in which I have handled a multitude of issues over the past few years make me sound like a bitter asshole that doesn't know when to cool it. Side note: if you have the same opinion based on this post then I apologize... this post is something I need to grind out, so I ask that you hang on for (possibly) one last time.Reason three: I can hold a grudge for...ever? A quick scan through my forum PM's and emails related to FT/FTC issues show that I am one vindictive SOB. There are some principles of life by which you can always abide. Shaving at least once a week (possibly your junk, too!), never drinking natty light "because of the economy," etc. are all noble principles by which to live, but remembering that someone called you a 'dickface' back in '05 should not be thought of daily. Unfortunately I am capable of remembering such things. It sounds so trite but life is really too short for this. I have been consumed with a need to lash at out people, repeatedly, that denigrate me or FTC, and this has certainly led to more trouble than it's worth. This is probably the topic with which most FT/FTC'ers that have had bad times with me can relate. Even while many of these types of situations were happening, no matter whether I ultimately considered myself right or wrong, I should have backed off. Compelling ideals are only so effective, right? There comes a time to face the truth, no matter how dirty it may be, and choose to admit fault. I've dorked plenty of situations up and names like Trueagle, Wu, and tastecoldsteel come to mind. That's a short list and there plenty more. If you want to rehash past grief then shoot me a PM and I'm more than happy to set your mind at ease that I am, in fact, an asshole. So... I've wasted a whole lot of your time by this point. What's next? My hope is that the community grows beyond me. FTC can not fall apart without me because there are too many able, intelligent, and creative people here to let that happen. If there is one general piece of advice I can provide it is this: learn from my faults and apply appropriate solutions for problems (including your own, you bastards ) as you see fit--being bitter and pissed off solves nothing. Obviously this is not strictly on an admin or op basis. This applies to all FTC participants.You may think this thread is winding down now but I still have more bullshit to talk about! I am choosing five people in which I place much faith to keep FTC thriving. Three will most likely be thought of as obvious choices in an exit thread of this nature, but two may not. Keep reading just a little longer! Hopefully these comments do not sound as if I'm never going to talk to any of these people anymore... I guess I'm going for some nostalgic appeal here.Omni: In my stead, you are left as the 'Lead Operator' of FTC. Your word is law at this point but I am sure you will use your wisdom to involve Goose and Omega in your decision-making processes. I am by no means as much of a Star Wars goober as you but I do love (most) of the films to death and I hope you can at least appreciate this quote. Let me first say that I am no Obi-wan (certainly based on what I posted above), and I hope that you turn out to be no Anakin. Somehow this applies: OBI-WAN: You are strong and wise, Anakin, and I am very proud of you. I have trained you since you were a small boy. I have taught you everything I know. And you have become a far greater Jedi than I could ever hope to be, and you have saved my life more times than I can remember. But be patient, Anakin. It won't be long before the Council makes you a Jedi Master. Take is easy, Omni, and the Jedi Council DID make you a Master so there is no need to go crazy! There are those who already accept your position as an FTC operator for over two years. Be patient, and those that do not understand the faith and trust I have placed in you will hopefully do so soon.Goose: My Canadian brother from another North American mother.  Crap man, you and I were destined to meet at some point in life. We could probably turn the U.S. and Canada into our own world-dominating force if we really put our minds to it! You've been an ardent opponent when we have argued about (perhaps trivial) matters, but a staunch friend when I needed one. I've said some terrible things to you in anger, but I know that you understand me and... well shit, I think the world of you. Luckily most of our forum readers do not know all the gory details of our private debates. Either way, you have looked past my faults and I deeply appreciate that. I will be staying in touch with you whether you like it or not! Omega: Honestly you are the only current person with whom I remember playing krem and Ian's original CS:S, 24/7 office server with regularly. We did not get along very well waaaay back but we turned a corner and moved on long ago. I am pleased that you are a part of the FTC leadership team now. You also have the unique quality of being immune to my ranting (and you know I've tested you!! ) Hopefully this applies to other drunken, jerk admins, and your coolness under pressure is going to save the day on many issues. While you have not been as vocal as others, you must be considered an FT Classic original, and you have been a reliable source of admin leadership over the years. Oh yeah, keep Omni in line and don't let his head get too big since he's in charge now!Now onto the two unlikely people that may be responsible for keeping FTC afloat. I fully realize that the first person below will be seen as a contentious individual to hold things together. Listen to what I have to say to her, as well as the guy afterwards (because he's pretty damn important too) Kever: Kati, the argument has been made that you could be the most divisive individual in FTC's history, and I accept that as a valid opinion. I also see you as the potential saving grace of FTC. Others may take your meekness as cowardice; however, you have an opportunity to prove them wrong, and assert your dignity as a regular on FTC. Outspoken or not, assertiveness on your part is what others appear to be demanding from you--give it to them, prove that your presence is legitimate as well as something you demand THEM to acknowledge, and you may just be the most cohesive FTC player ever. Others may not be able to read the writing on the wall, but if you leave FTC then another person will take your place as 'the most vile hacker ever' and suffer the same fate. Stand up for yourself before 2009 rolls around. It could be Kever, Bowser, or Wulfram—it makes no difference. The mob will try to run you out of town until you show them that you're not afraid. If you think playing on FTC is worth fighting for then YOU need to fight for it! A bunch of guys thinking they know what is best for you is solving nothing. I should know because I've been a part of that crowd before. Kremit: The krem de la krem... where do I even start with you!? First off, FT Classic would not exist without you, nor would the FT community for that matter. You gave me a shot back in 2005 and showed much patience for my server-op ineptitude at the time. Your faith in me, and steadfast dedication to keeping this web site site up, even when I (among others) griped about problems with it, is what has held this community together for over two years. I felt like an asshole for being involved in the community effort to revive FT because I wasn't sure if that is what you wanted way back in 2006. You trusted me (and others), and, even though I am on the way out, I hope that you are ultimately pleased with what has been done with your franchise name up to this point. Even when things were grim, I've had a deep amount of respect for you. Don't let go, man, and keep the site up. Much <3 for krem! I apologize for not mentioning some of my recent friends like Memnoch or Ban-deeeee-toe, and teh Sauce Boss but... well I guess I just did! Honestly, though, there are too many friends and enemies than I could mention. Of course many of the enemies would not even see this because I long ago sent them packing, and I suppose that's how I want to end the sentimental details of my exit: many of you will understand that I have helped foster the FT/FTC community but I don't expect my leave of absence to be full of sorrow for everyone here. I also want to say that I do feel contrite over the grief I have caused. Whether I've told victims of my flames or not... some of them weigh quite heavily on me.Now the final details about FT Classic and contacting me: - I am still capable of being financially responsible for at least the next two months, if not longer. - FTC Leads/Ops are more than welcome to contact me about technical details of server operation. - I will still maintain HlstatsX, as well as Psychostats as long as the leads/ops want. - Steam Friends, xfire, and AIM will be on for me. Even at work. Feel free to contact me about non-FT/FTC-related heartbreak So that about does it. It's been a pleasure to serve, sorry for the bruised knees and spilled milk along the way, and I may see y'all later. Oh, and just to be clear: I love this community, and I have no ill will towards anyone here... that I admit to. Seriously though: financial support, hosting stats, etc. is all I can provide at this point. Please do not think for a second that I want to see this community fail--you are perfectly able to get along without me being an active player, admin, or forum participant.
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| Evilpig |
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01nk3d bY tEh P1g
Registered Member #531
Joined: Thu Jan 04 2007, 05:27AMPosts: 707 |
Damn. I honestly don't know what to say. (Keep in mind I couldn't write an essay if my life depended on it) I haven't been around as long as many other people. But in the short time you and me had our differences but mainly we seemed to patch up along the road. I hope that you hop in from time to time, to say hi! We wouldn't even have this community if it wasn't for you. Well it's too late to stop you now. Good luck with everything and you'll be missed. (btw hit me up on AIM sometime: evilpigster) Edited Tue Mar 04 2008, 09:57AM |
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| b4ndito |
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b4ndito
Registered Member #958
Joined: Fri Jan 04 2008, 06:59AMPosts: 3385 |
Well, when thinking of how I was going to write my response, I realized several things needed to happen. One, I need to put some pants on. Two, I needed to grab every cigarette currently in my possession, because I'm going to be here for a while. With regret I read this post. While your reasons for leaving are entirely justified, I just cannot stand to see such a good friend leave...again. So first it was John. Then Bob. Now you. It just keeps getting worse. This time, the feeling of pain is exponentially greater. For those who don't know, I rarely played at this server when I got back into CS:S. I just happened upon it one day when I felt that office sounded like a fun map to play. I didn't reappear for a few weeks, when I browsed my history. When I hopped back on Fish Tank for only the second time, I met Alcohol-Powered. I laughed inwardly at the name, for that night, under the influence of many alcoholic beverages, I felt invincible. It was Alex who first uttered my name with the "Quasi-Mexican Growl" that irked me and made me giggle with glee. At the time, I didn't know anything about Fish Tank. But after close to seven hours of hanging out with the so called "Alcohol-Powered", I was told to go to FTC's website and sign up. It was at this time that I finally felt I had found a community I wanted to be involved in. I became hooked. I made my introduction, I set this site to my homepage, and browsed the forums every second I wasn't playing. A feeling of elation swept over me several months and a hundred hours later. After yet another long session of playing FTC with Alex, who at this time I already considered a great friend, he asked if I wanted to be nominated for Fish Tank. A landslide victory followed, and with a sweeping feeling in my stomach, I got my tags on my birthday (I apologize for doing it a day early, alcohol had brought that "invincible" feeling back to me). For me, Fish Tank started through Alex. It has only multiplied my respect and friendship for him that he can address these issues that he currently has with himself, publicly and unflinchingly. I wish I had that ability. Alex, I'm very glad to see you take responsibility for your actions, make apologies to people you have hurt, and make an attempt to cease a habit that is obviously affecting your life deeply. While it saddens me to no end to see you go, my (For now, symbolic) tears are of happiness for you. I'm also glad that your post is not a futile attempt to act the martyr, as we have seen in a few members who recently left. As I read this, I didn't feel angry or sad, I actually smiled that you are leaving in a dignified and happy way. "While I'm mentioning that, go ahead and ax my clan membership in both 925 and FT--I'll ask for them again if I feel compelled to get involved in the future." I hope that after a *brief* period of self-actualization and, perhaps rehabilitation, you will return. If not, I think tears will come to my eyes. But we'll see about that in the future. For now, I can be happy that a friend is taking care of what matters. Additionally, I want to address another quote. "I am still capable of being financially responsible for at least the next two months, if not longer." If by any means I can contribute to lessen the burden for you, feel free to ask. As of now, my checkbook is still heavy, I could do with spending some of that money to keep my eFriends happy. It also takes balls to say what you said to Kever. I hope she realizes, aided by your post, that she is an important member of our community. All the unproven hacking discussion aside, She isn't the only one to have mad skills on this server. Omni, didn't you pull something like a 3.0 KDR tonight with over 100 kills? You didn't have your tags on and the only person dumb enough to say you were hacking was Ruskiy. Kever, I hope that you read this and realize that you are only accused because of myths and legends that go no further than name alone. "My hope is that the community grows beyond me. FTC can not fall apart without me because there are too many able, intelligent, and creative people here to let that happen." ----No explanation fucking needed. You'll always be more than a friend to me Alex. All the jokes about love triangles between me, you, and Saucey will keep me laughing even when you're gone. I'm happy for everything you've ever given or done for me. Peace and love. "I would have followed you, my brother… my captain… my King." Edited Tue Mar 04 2008, 10:03AM |
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| Ninca |
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Registered Member #561
Joined: Sun Feb 04 2007, 07:45AMPosts: 1109 |
God damn. I'm still awake, but that's not the point. It's quite unfortunate to see you go, as you were an amazing individual. Not only was it fun to play with you in-game (while plastered ) but you were also a level headed option that I could always turn to when there was an issue. You always kept an open mind and listened, and provided genuinely good feedback. Also, as far as the server/community goes, you did a hell of a lot of work to keep it alive. Aside from financially supporting all of our habits, you also thought of (and created by yourself) numerous scripts for team balance, etc that kept the server alive, running, and the most fun place to play, and I thank you, as well as every admin/memberregular/FT visitor that doesn't post here (as of yet) thanks you. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors to quit the nasty habit which has plagued your family tree. One word of advice I'd like to say (I can still give advice in my young age!) is that you should take it slow and fast at the same time. If you're drinking 4-5 (or more nights a week), try cutting it down to one night a week first. Take a night out to the bars with your friends and coworkers (unless they appease you too much! ), and only consume a few drinks once a week. After a few trips, become the designated driver, and completely stop drinking. They'll become your best friends for you doing that favor for them, and you'll kick your habit. It's a win win scenario!  .That was sort of a lengthy reply, and I'm sure it was quite unexpected coming from me as well . I too, as pig did, will leave my AIM screenname for you, as I do not have yours (bballbt36). Again, I wish you the best of luck and god speed.
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| yourdroid |
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Registered Member #36
Joined: Thu Dec 01 2005, 06:12PMPosts: 214 |
Wow man, this is surprising to me. My original thought to be honest was selfishly "wtf? how much bad news do i have to fucking get this week?". I was just trying to take my mind off the funeral i may end up at later today by checking the forums and i get to read this. Then i read your reasons and i have to completely agree with you on your leaving. While i have no personal experience with alcoholism, i have friends who do. I have always managed to keep my drinking in perspective and in moderation, but have seen how hard that can be for others for various reasons. It sounds as if CSS is a major incentive for your drinking so you are definitely doing the right thing by quiting, even if only for a while. I have had more minor addictions i have had to break (such as smoking) and eliminating the situations in which you tend to succumb to said addictions has always been key. I'd like to point out first that i am by no means an expert on dealing with any addictions. However, i have slight issue with MR:)'s advice. It seems to me, from the way you describe your alcoholism and from my experiences with you, that you are in way too deep to gradually back out of it. I'll draw from experience with a friend/coworker to illustrate what i mean by this. This friend has issues with alcohol similar to yours (with less family history i believe) and he has tried this sort of approach to quiting throughout the years i've known him. He is too far into it though. He starts to do well, but because of his history with alcohol and how deep it goes it becomes so easy to relapse in that one night of casual drinking with friends. It becomes so easy to have that one bit of bad news, or that one thing happen and say "well i have been doing good drinking one night. I just need this one time and i won't go back to how i was because i'm doing good" and then you are right back in. I could be wrong because he also has had problems with drugs and has still a bit of a thing with pain killers for his back. Those could attribute to it more than i know and since you don't seem to have those issues, Mr:)'s method could work for you. On the other hand I have a another friend who has taken the approach that i think would work better. Admittedly his alcohol problems are not as deep or long as yours. He has quit altogether. Granted it has only been about 2 1/2 months, but 2 1/2 months for him is a long time for anything, even keeping a job. This is also the method i used when quiting a few things i either had problems with or knew i would eventually have problems with (smoking). It can be difficult, and only gets more so the longer you have had your problems. The trick is to find something to occupy your time that eliminates the desire and/or opportunity to drink while you do it. This friend has started going to the gym with another of our friends a few times a week. He can't drink there, it serves another purpose so that he has another reason to keep doing it, and when he goes a few times a week while working 5 days he gets tired and doesn't feel like going out to a bar to drink afterwards. Being at the gym eliminates opportunity and being too tired to go out after working and working out eliminates desire. That is my 2 cents on the drinking. On the personal and FTC related front, I am among those who is saddened to see you go. Even though i rarely see you in game and hardly have time to pm you about anything non-operations related. You have your problems and your personality quirks. These have caused you to overreact in many a circumstances. But you never tried to deny this and i respect that. At least you admitted that you have your problems and your demons rather than trying to blame it on perception, circumstances, others, ect, as so many other people do; even if you have been unable to do much about them until now. While others may downplay or even not recognize this, i believe it shows more about your character than your problems do. We all have problems, yours just happen to be the type that can be easy to notice and people start to view them as your character. As much as you messed up in relations with some people by overreacting, you have had just as many situations where you showed some control where others (including myself) would not have and the community has benefited from it. I'll use Bubble Goose as a prime example. Back when he first started with the tank, he was a complete pain in the side of admins. His camping of sniper nest got so bad you even put up a rotating server message just for him. I remember times playing on T with you when goose was on and camping it up like he would. I would start getting angry, but it was nothing compared to the rants you could muster every now and then over the mic. I am surprised to this day that you never just banned him (perhaps those messages with him that you mentioned started then and could attribute to the reason). I considered many times back then to ban him myself. I only refrained from doing so because of how irritated i would see him make you so i figured "hey if this guy gets to alex like this and he doesn't ban him he has his reasons. I'll just let him do it when the time comes". I thought for sure you would ban him and i thought you would get the most satisfaction out of it. When you gave him admin (and promoted him to level 3 so quickly) i was among the first to say WTF? Is alex crazy?. But because you showed restraint from just baning him permanently when you would get so mad the community has definitely benefited. Despite how worked up he could get you, you showed restraint enough to have those conversations with him and see the good that could come from the situation. Saddened to see you go, but RL comes first. You have to do what is best for you there. |
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| slick |
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Registered Member #877
Joined: Tue Oct 02 2007, 07:21PMPosts: 663 |
I know me and you haven't built any relations but anyways I wanna say good luck with your problem and may the solution come easy to you. | ||
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| FoxBox |
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Registered Member #1023
Joined: Tue Mar 04 2008, 07:00AMPosts: 181 |
Wow... a lot to say... I donj't have the time to finish reading it all, but all I can say is... keep up the good work, I think.... >_> | ||
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| O_Mega |
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Inconsistant Ownage Device
Registered Member #59
Joined: Sat Dec 10 2005, 06:12PMPosts: 1058 |
*lengthy meaningful post holder for after work *
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| NoSkill |
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Sir
Registered Member #457
Joined: Tue Oct 10 2006, 01:13PMPosts: 2628 |
Alex... I'm not going to draw this out into a long winded post. I am sorry to see you go, but fear not, we will continue this journey without you. I hope you join back up with us down the road. Godspeed soldier. |
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| Madvillain |
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Registered Member #445
Joined: Sun Oct 01 2006, 11:42PMPosts: 2233 |
lol it took me so long too realize that u were the kap in the first place when i first got here. Even after my nomination. Well AP, the thing that makes u a great leader is your ability to show your human side to the rest of the community, and ur truly amazing way with words also helps. You made constant efforts to improve various conditions on FTC while still making sure u made personal connections with many FT'rs. This was key in gaining respect. i read ur reasons for leaving and theres no arguing them, however i really feel this isn't good bye but an extended break. All of ur problems look as though they can be resolved over time, hopefully. Good Luck and many off us will be around for awhile and for ur return. |
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