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| Here's an untitled story I've been writing. | ||
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| MibuMibu |
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Registered Member #716
Joined: Tue May 22 2007, 02:14AMPosts: 202 |
It's not nearly complete yet, only at the very, VERY beggining, and it's being put on hold for a little bit, but i'll update this thread as i go. The night grows darker as the lightning strikes hit ground. The rain has started hitting the ground, dancing once it hits its mark. However something is different about this night. A creature is perched atop a church, looking down at the passing humans. Studying them, observing them. A quick flash appears in the sky to his right, as he whips his head to see what it is a bright flash blinds his eyes. A man is floating merely inches infront of him, staring intently back at him. Expecting emotions of fear, and distress, the creature is intrigued as to why the human isn't strafing away from him, but instead studying him. As the creature's right arm begins to lift, it feels a sharp pain in it's shoulder. Glancing to see what the pain is, he notice's a spine sticking into his arm. Tracing back to the origin of it, he notices it comes from the man standing infront of him. A spray of blood falls to the ground below as the creature falls lifelessly off the church roof. The croud below screams as a cloud of dust blows up from the ground. Looking up, the spectates notice the man disappear in a flash of light... A soothing breeze floats on through a window, blowing the curtains as it twirls itself throughout the air. As refreshing as it is, a young boy is deeply troubled. A look of fear in his eyes as he looks down at his hand. He see's something about himself that no one else can see. Something not of this world. The loud booming of a knock on the door is heard throughout the house. A boy yells to the window. "Khloe, get your ass out here." "Just come inside you idiot, you know i'm still sleeping" barked back a voice, presumably Khloe. The boy walked inside of the house and up the stairs. Turning to his left he raised his hand to open the door that stood infront of him. Before he even touched the doorknob the door was swinging open. "Jesus christ!" yelled the boy as he lost his footing and fell to the ground with a loud thud. "heh, don't try sneaking up on me bro" laughed Khloe as he offered his friend a hand up. Brushing off his pants, the second boy started walking towards the stairs. "Big day today huh? Gonna finally pop the question?" laughed the boy as Khloe kicked him down the stairs. "Why do you talk so much? It really annoys me, you know that right?" laughed Khloe as he scratched the back of his head. "Ow" sighed the boy laying at the bottom of the stairs as he started to sit up. "Y'know, you're a wee bit on the violent side today man. Try easing up once in a while, it'd be a nice change rather than the dick you always are." laughed the boy as he began to stand back up. "You know me Jai, I'm just a bundle of love deep down" exclaimed Khloe as he finally start walking down the stairs. "Well, i guess it's off to school for us right?" replied Jai as he patted Khloe on the back. The two opened the door and made their way out into the city before them. "Ahhh, nothing like a nice breath of fresh air to brighten the day" exclaimed Jai as he happily walked down the street. Khloe just sighed, somehow, how happy Jai always was bothered him more than it cheered him up. "How can you always be so happy, nothing, and i mean nothing seems to dampen your mood." said Khloe, looking at Jai. "I've always thought, 'why should we waste the little time we have on this planet being down. If we all were to keep our chins up, and just, be happy, think about how much better the world would be! No wars, no fighting, just everyone happy and living in peaceful coexistance. That's the kind of world i want to live in, and that's why im always happy!" said Jai, now with a very large grin on his face. "You know man, I think you're rubbing off on me" laughed Khloe as a small smile formed on his face. Not realizing how fast they were actually walking, the two boys looked up to see the gates to their school grounds towering above them. "Oh wow, we're alot faster than we thought..." said Khloe, with a stunned look on his face. "Yea i know what you mean" laughed Jai. The two looked ahead and started walking towards the open doors of the school. Within the first few seconds of entering the building, a gust of cold air is felt flowing through the air. The two boys just paused and savored the moment that was given. "Air conditioning is by far, hands down, the single greatest invention by man" sighed Jai, breathing in the cold air. "I hear that and completely agree" laughed Khloe as he patted Jai on the back. "Let's get going man. Class is about to start." "So what do you think the chances are of you beating me to the class?" laughed Khloe as he looked towards Jai. A small grin was noticed on Jai's face as he started to quicken his pace. "Oh iunno, let's say 10 bucks i can do it?" replied Jai, now smiling from ear to ear. "Let's do it then. On your marks, get set, GO!" yelled Khloe as the two boys sped off down the hall. Khloe pulled out ahead of Jai, running with all he could to make it to the class. He quickly glanced behind him to see how much room was between Jai and himself. "Come on man, you're so slow!" laughed Khloe as Jai's face turned to a more, evil grin. "Look infront of you dumbass!" yelled Jai as Khloe whipped his head around. A large thud was heard as the left side of Khloe's body collided with a door, sending him spiralling to the ground. "fucking ow" said Khloe, in an exhausted tone of voice. "Oh my god are you alright?!" yelled a more female voice from down the hall. Khloe looked up to notice a very unfamiliar face running towards him. "I think so, my arm's a little sore, but i don't think it's anything serious" laughed Khloe as he started to regain his composure. "Let me help you" said the girl in a worried voice, extending a hand towards Khloe. "Dude you okay?!" laughed Jai as he walked towards Khloe, who was now getting back on his feet. "Yeah, thanks to..." Khloe cut himself off, not knowing the girls name. "Oh! I'm Aubyrn, sorry, i just transfered here. I missed your names.." said Aubyrn, looking intently at Khloe. "I'm Kh-" "I'm Jai and this is Khloe, pleased to meet you!" said Jai quickly, cutting off Khloe midspeech. "Do you guys think you could show me where my class is, I can't seem to find my way around this place!" said Aubyrn as a smile formed on her face. "That's easy enough, this say's that you're in our class, you can walk with us if you'd like" replied Khloe, looking at Aubyrns class schedule. "Really?! That would mean so much to me! I'm not being a burden or anything am I?" asked Aubyrn, hesitant to accept the offer. "No no no, it's honestly not like that at all! It's actually really refreshing to see a new face around this dump" said Khloe as he laughed whole heartadly. The three started walking down the hall. Knowing fully that Jai didn't remember the bet, Khloe entered the classroom first. "HAHAHAHA DUDE I WIN! I WIN THE BET, TEN DOLLARS, RIGHT NOW!" laughed Khloe as he started to dance. "Oh you've got to be kidding me!" sighed Jai as he reached in his pocket. "Don't worry about it dude, i just like the gratification that I WON THE RACE!" said Khloe, bursting out into a fit of laughter once again. Aubyrn let out a small giggle, not sure if it was acceptable for her to laugh at Jai's misfortune or not. "You can laugh Aubyrn, it's okay, it is infact quite funny that i owned Jai" laughed Khloe. "Oh yeah man, it's just, like, totally funny dude" replied Jai, smiling like he's known to do. "You guys are too cute for words" said Aubyrn in a soft voice, letting out a small chuckle. "There ya go! Cmon, laugh with us!" said Khloe as a smile filled his face. "Okay guys, please take your seats, we better get started if we don't want to fall behind like we always do." said an older women as she entered the classroom. "Well good morning to you too my fair maiden" laughed Khloe as he bowed at the teacher. "I see you're still the smartass of the class Khloe" laughed the teacher as she sat down at her desk. "You must be the new girl! Oh and a looker too" smiled the teacher as she spoke to Aubyrn. "psst, now listen closely; don't let Khloe's dumb nature fool you, he's actually a pretty nice kid" said the teacher in a whisper to Aubyrn, winking out of her left eye. "Are you trying to drop a subtle hint..." giggled Aubyrn as she stopped herself, realising that she doesn't know her teachers own name. "It's Ms. McKenzie" yelled Jai from the back of the room. "Thank you Jai, although I am quite capable of telling people my name" replied Ms. McKenzie. Aubyrn and Khloe both held in their laughter, knowing very well Jai was regretting having said that. The morning went by fairly normal. The two boys and their new friend ate lunch on the school roof, looking out at the city. Aubyrn was in awe at the situation, she had never really seen a sight like that before. Aubyrn had already started to warm up to the two boys. She didn't feel so alone in her new residence. She finally felt as if she was accepted, and not just a burden to everyone. "Hey guys, can I ask you something?" spoke Aubyrn in a very soft voice, as if she was scared to ask what she was about to. "Anything you want to" said Khloe as he smiled at her. "Are we... friends?" whispered Aubyrn, her cheeks now turning a shade of pink. Khloe began to laugh softly as he looked up into her eyes. "Of course we're friends" spoke Khloe in a touching voice. Aubyrn quickly turned her head away from his as to try and hide her face from his sight. "Awhh, are you blushing?" chuckled Khloe as his cheeks turned red. In a swift motion he quickly gave her a big hug. "Don't worry about it okay? Promise me, right now, that no matter what, you'll talk to us if you need anything" exclaimed Khloe. Aubyrn nodded her head, completely speechless. The rest of the day went by fairly uneventful. The final bell of the day had finally sounded. Khloe and Jai walked out of their classrooms to see Aubyrn was already in the hall. "You're out of class already?!" said Jai in a completely shocked tone of voice. "the teacher let me go 15 minutes early because I had finished my work!" giggled Aubyrn. "So you've got looks, and you've got brains? You're just the whole package now aren't ya?" laughed Khloe as they all started to walk down the hall. "So what're you guys up to tonight?" asked Jai who was now twiddling his thumbs out of sheer boredness. "I have no plans, like usual. I'll spend my night pondering as to why im wasting my life doing nothing" sighed Khloe. "Well, I'm not up to anything tonight either, what're you up to Jai?" asked Aubyrn. "I'm not doing anything either" laughed Jai. "WE SHOULD GET TOGETHER!" exclaimed the three friends at the same time. A moment occurred, none of them talking, just all looking each other in the face. "So uhm, let's agree to not ever do this again?" laughed Khloe as he scratched the back of his head. "Agree'd" laughed Aubyrn as Jai just nodded his head. The three walked out the front doors and couldn't beleive the view they we're seeing. A clear blue sky with the sun shining like nothing you could imagine. A slight breeze giving life to the fields and trees. It was as though, for that breif moment, man and nature were coexisting in perfect harmony. The sound of a car backfiring was one of the many things that ruined that moment. Khloe laughed at the situation as the three headed their seperate ways. "So meet up at 7:30?" yelled Khloe. "That sounds about right" replied Jai as the distance betweem them continued to grow. On her way home Aubyrn really focuesed on the area, as though she was trying to memorize it. She was picking out little things to remind her where she is. Things like; flower beds, local stores, and in general, what the scenerey looked like. She was feeling more at home having made her two new friends, finally feeling wanted and needed by people other than her family. She couldn't stop smiling, nothing, and i mean nothing would take this feeling away from her but time. Khloe walked his usual route to get home. Seeing the regular people on the route. Saying hi to his friends parents out of respect, not friendship. However he noticed something different today. Something felt, different to him. He had that gut feeling you get right before something bad happens. He doesn't beleive in signs, and yet, this feeling bothers him like none other. He doesn't know what to expect, but he tries to brace himself for the worst. Jai was heading home in his usual upbeat happy attitude. He talked to the same people on the way home, and stopped at the local coffee shop like he does everyday. "How's it going today Mike? I'll get the usual!" said Jai to the man behind the counter. "Haha it'll be right up Jai. By the way, have you ever considered variation, it could do you some good" laughed Mike, now handing Jai his change. "Well, you know me, i like alot of things, but some just cant go away! Oh by the way, what're you doing tonight? Khloe and I are trying to introduce the new girl from school to some people. Y'know, help her meet some new faces! You should stop by, we're getting together at Misinret Park at 7:30!" exclaimed Jai now wearing a large smile on his face. "I'm off at 6, so I'll be there!" laughed Mike as he said his goodbye's to Jai. (((So as you can tell it's going to be very fantasy like. It's not gotten to the action in the story yet, I don't see it doing that for another little bit, I want to get all my characters roles going smoothly, and then I'll introduce the main plot twist.))) Updated: That's chapter 1 now. also, the name of the story is: "A World In Twilight" Edited Thu Jul 05 2007, 03:20AM |
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| Czech Pride |
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Registered Member #518
Joined: Wed Dec 27 2006, 01:15AMPosts: 911 |
I like it so far, seems interesting! I can proof read your work if you want. Edited Mon Jul 02 2007, 06:03PM |
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| kd. |
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♥ (✿◠‿◠) ♥
Registered Member #75
Joined: Sat Dec 17 2005, 08:51PMPosts: 3128 |
I read half of it, and let me tell you - the narritive is AMAZING! I love the detail you put into describing everything, it's really good. I'm going to read the other half after I eat -- I'll die if I don't  Back, and, it feels like you're starting to rush it up towards the end. I'm sure you know, but indenting after the quotes and such, would make it a whole lot easier to read too 
Edited Mon Jul 02 2007, 07:21PM
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Registered Member #365
Joined: Thu Jan 01 1970, 12:00AMPosts: 513 |
tone it down with the fuxored up names kthx Edited Mon Jul 02 2007, 07:22PM | ||
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| bleek |
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#woo
Registered Member #23
Joined: Fri Nov 25 2005, 11:39PMPosts: 665 |
MibuMibu wrote ... words Right on... |
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| Syntax |
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Rudeboy Supreme!
Registered Member #617
Joined: Fri Mar 23 2007, 06:37AMPosts: 1252 |
Is pretty good man, But I agree with KDDude near the end its like you started to leave out thing s you wanted to put in, and didnt go ito as much detail. Just try to expand it a bit more. Good job! |
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| MibuMibu |
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Registered Member #716
Joined: Tue May 22 2007, 02:14AM Posts: 202 |
Yea, i realized after the fact that i started rushing on the second half. I'm a semi-experienced writer, and I have two other stories im writing (one of which has a similar feel to sin City, the other is aliens invading earth kinda thing, but cool none-the-less) I'll keep ya guys updated on the story.
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| MibuMibu |
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Registered Member #716
Joined: Tue May 22 2007, 02:14AM Posts: 202 |
For the sake of getting the red dot up there, the story has been updated via edits. I'll be posting chapter 2 tomorrow, when it's done. |
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