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| .4ngryToasters |
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you would
Registered Member #149
Joined: Sun Feb 12 2006, 01:08AMPosts: 2039 |
I think FTC needs a thread designated to jokes. So here it is, Post Your Favorite Jokes! How many vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb? You don't know man, you weren't there Some muffins are in an oven, and it's starting to get really hot. All of the sudden, one of the muffins bursts into flames. The muffin next to him says "Ahhh! You're on fire!" The flaming muffin says "Ahhh! A talking muffin!" |
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| Noname|Boom |
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That one guy...
Registered Member #250
Joined: Tue May 09 2006, 11:59PMPosts: 2603 |
The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker: 10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000. 9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running. 8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex. 7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down. 6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on their PC at work. 5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net" 4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments. 3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons 2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President." 1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk." Fifty fun things to do during an exam You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. (The following is meant for entertainment purposes only): 1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?" 8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. 21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ). 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. 31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!" 32. Bring a water pistol with you. 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. 35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. " 39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. 40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 41. One word: Wrestlemania. 42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. 44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. 45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour. 46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. 47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so". 50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher" Not MY jokes, they're from -[link]- hope you like them  
Edited Wed Aug 16 2006, 04:13PM
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| DarkNarf |
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Surf Owner/Operator
Registered Member #29
Joined: Tue Nov 29 2005, 01:47AMPosts: 409 |
How does a fag fake an orgasm? Spits on his partners back. LOL *BARF* |
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| Jesus |
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Jesus not HeyZeus
Registered Member #370
Joined: Mon Jul 31 2006, 03:49AMPosts: 332 |
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? Well endowed What's the difference between meat and fish? It's not impolite to beat your fish What do you do when a woman's watch breaks? Nothing there is a clock on the stove Why don't women need umbrellas? Because it doesn't rain between the bedroom and the kitchen I got lots more jokes way too many to type out if anybody has a request for a certain kind of jokes just tell me. Jesus |
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| Prodigy |
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Registered Member #42
Joined: Sun Dec 04 2005, 02:13AMPosts: 6 |
OK. There's these three guys walking on the beach, a mexican, a white guy, and a black guy. So they find this pot, rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says, "You can wish for whatever you want." So he asks the Mexican what he wants, and he says "I want all my people in America to be happy and free, and in Mexico." So the genie goes poof. It's done. Then he says to the black guy... "What do you want?" and the balck guy says, "I want all my African brothers to be back in Africa, and happy and free and everything." So the genie goes poof. And they're all back in Africa. So the genie says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy says, "Wait, you mean to tell me that all the mexicans and blacks are out of America?" The genie goes yeah, and the white guy says, uh, "I'll have a Coke, then." - Funny Man, Boondock Saints |
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| joker |
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Registered Member #14
Joined: Sat Nov 19 2005, 05:27AMPosts: 157 |
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..." |
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Registered Member #365
Joined: Thu Jan 01 1970, 12:00AMPosts: 513 |
why shouldn't women wear wristwatches? theres a clock on the stove |
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Registered Member #365
Joined: Thu Jan 01 1970, 12:00AM Posts: 513 |
FUCK JESUS ALREADY USED THAT ONE ok ok Why couldn't helen keller drive? because shes a woman |
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| Jesus |
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Jesus not HeyZeus
Registered Member #370
Joined: Mon Jul 31 2006, 03:49AM Posts: 332 |
Why do women have small feet? So they can stand close to the sink What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? The longer you play with them, the harder they get. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't? A navel. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Why do men pay more for car insurance? AWomen don't get blow jobs while they're driving What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out? A lesbian with a hard-on. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? Goes-in-tight! What do Disney World & Viagra have in common? They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride. What's the definition of trust? Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob. Why is it called a Wonder Bra? When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? Fur traders. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A cherry float. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common? They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed. How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an alter boy How do you say 69 in Chinese? Twocanchew (two can chew). Ok a Helen Keller joke for burrito How did Helen Keller break her arm? She tried reading a stop sign Got lots more might post more later Edited Wed Aug 16 2006, 06:42PM |
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| Kalibur |
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Registered Member #101
Joined: Thu Dec 29 2005, 01:04AMPosts: 578 |
Why are women named after hurricanes?? When they come there wet and wild and when they leave they take your car and house  |
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