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| Ultimate guide to Slackery (Office Edition) | ||
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| .4ngryToasters |
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you would
Registered Member #149
Joined: Sun Feb 12 2006, 01:08AMPosts: 2039 |
By reading this article at work, YOU yourself will become a slacker (looooong read) Hi there, if your like me, then you don't like to work, but you DO like to get paid. I have here a compilation of ways to get around this dilemma so you don't have to do any of that nasty time consuming work, and still get your well earned pay check at the end of the week. Wasting time Wasting time can be done at the office, during lunch break, or even while getting office supplies. Observe your surroundings Are you in and open area where others may be able to see what you are doing on your computer (I know I am)? Most of the time you don't want others to know you are practicing the fine art of slackerism, because it could lead to such consequences as getting your pay docked, or getting on the bosses bad side. With this in mind, you must be aware at all times what is going on around you. Let’s say there's a printer near your cubicle (like mine). That printer is your first warning that someone may be able to see your slacking. For example, someone prints a document; obviously that document had a reason to be printed, and it's owner will come by soon to pick it up. At this point you should be on high alert listening for footsteps. The printer is not the only thing to look out for. Many times people will get up for differing reasons (maybe they have to use the bathroom, or go to a meeting, or maybe they too are slacking). After a while you learn that people have certain habits they follow before they get out of their chair. The person in the cube next to me will always lean back in his chair right before he gets up. This makes a squeak which is a dead giveaway he is going to pass by my cube. Learn these habits and you will be good to go. Lastly we have the stealthies. You can not rely on your ears to warn you of these people. They are the office ninjas so to speak, and there are always at least two of them. It's almost like they make it their career to sneak up behind unsuspecting victims, then pounce with a "Happy Monday!!!" Since there is no way to hear these people coming, you must defend yourself by placing your computer monitor in a strategic spot. The best way is so you can see down the hallway, yet no one can see on your screen. This is how you can defend yourself against onlookers. Ways to avoid being caught Now that you know what to look for to tell if someone is coming or not, it is time learn the actions you must take in the event someone does (and trust me, they will) look in on you. Always do your slacking in a small window The smaller the better. It’s harder for people to see what you are doing this way. If you have multiple windows of slack open at the same time, make sure to stack them on top of each other so only the biggest window is visible. Always have you "work" in the background A proper slacker will always have a window of his what he should be working on (or even work he already did) maximized in the background. This way, when someone walks by, all you have to do is hide the slack windows in the foreground, and presto, you have a piece of work to do on your monitor. 99.9% of people don't care what you’re doing, as long as you look busy on a program such as MS Excel. Never use the minimize button When you hide a slack window from a passer by, do not use the minimize button to get rid of it. Many times they are headed towards you too fast, and they will see the window collapse into your system tray. This will raise their suspicion; especially if they have to pass by your desk several times and see you hide a window every time. Instead, click on the open "work" document behind your slack window. The "work" document will instantly come to the front, thus hiding your slack. Rarely in some occasions, it may be even better to just leave your slack window where it is (as described in blocking); as long as you look busy, most people won't question what you are doing. Never listen to music while slacking Music will disable your sense to hear people coming down your hallway. Unless you some how get lucky, and are seated in a office, corner cube, or somewhere else where you can see someone coming before they reach you; music is just a bad idea. Blocking Strategically placing the slack windows so they are eclipsed by your head to passer bys is a great idea. This way you look busy at the "work" window while you are actually active in the slack window. Also the more area you can block with your head, the bigger the slack windows can get. Try using things such as a cowboy hat, or football helmet to cover more area. These are some great ways to cover your ass while slacking, but now let’s look at some actual ways you can slack now. Some useful ways to slack Let’s face it, your going to work, and your going to get bored of it. So here are some ways to fight that boredom Solitaire Since you are going to be at work and not on your home computer, you won't have access to fine games such as Counter Strike Source, Donkey Kong, or Mike Tyson's Punch Out. All windows computers come complete with a games menu built into the hard drive. Don't under estimate how time consuming these simple, but challenging games can be. One of the best is Solitaire. It is a game of whit that any card player will enjoy, complete with cutting edge graphics and even a gore menu that allows you to set how bloody the game will get. When you win, a perfectly choreographed scene erupts onto your monitor, as happy cards dance across the screen thankful for your rescue. The queen may be married to the king, but look out; she has her eye on you (meow... sexy). Ok, so Solitaire isn’t that great, but it’s an excellent way to pass the time. Pinball Pinball is one of my favorite games that comes with the hard drive. With a high score of over 5,000,000; you know I spend a lot of time playing. However what this game gains in fun, it makes up for in danger of getting caught (or worse, losing a ball). Unfortunately, pinball means constant action as long as you keep the ball alive, and simply minimizing the window will not pause the game. Instead some genius put the pause button all the way up at F3. Now you may be able to change it to a button you are more familiar with, but that isn’t my point. By adding “pausing the game” to your to-do list before you can minimize the program, you drastically shorten your reaction time if someone happens to walk by. Also, unlike solitaire, if someone sees you playing pinball, it’s a dead giveaway that you are slacking. You have no excuses, as you have to focus most of your attention on the ball and not what you should be doing. With Solitaire, you can say things like “Oh I’m just waiting for a big file to attach to an email,” or “If you say anything, to anyone, I will come to your house, and cut you.” So pinball is fun, but be careful. MS Paint Another tool that come on the hard drive that can be hella fun. Draw lines, make circles, erase said lines and circles; what’s not to love? Seriously though, if your good at drawing with a mouse it’s a good way to kill time. Also you can take pictures off the internet and put funny captions on them, draw things on people where they shouldn’t be (like a digital Mr. Potato Head) then send it to all your friends in an email (and play solitaire while it attaches for 20 – 30 minutes (see, you can combine different types of slack to make even bigger slack! You’ll be the slack master in no time!)), whatever you gotta do to kill time. Take a walk Great way for a quick stress release. You can do a few laps around the office or take a grand tour of the entire building. Just make sure to bring either a piece of paper or a folder with you (make sure you look busy. If people think you’re busy, they won’t bother you), muttering to yourself about your “stupid boss making me take these papers to HR when he could just as easily email them,” can’t hurt either. This makes people think you’re angry to, and they’ll get out of the way fast. To maximize your time on the walk, drop your papers every 20 feet or so, then pick them up and reorganize them (try not to do this in the same spot every time, unless you know there’s a rip in the carpet, a step up, or something else that would make you trip). Use the bathroom Here’s something you can plan for. Take a trip to the water fountain and stick your head under the nozzle while the water pours out. Drink until you feel like you are about to vomit, then drink some more. Guaranteed in a half hour you will be making a mad dash towards the bathroom. If you don’t feel like chugging an entire water cooler, drinking stuff like tea or coffee and water together will work too (tea and coffee are called diarrhettics, which means they are sort of a natural laxative that makes you pee. The water is just ammunition for when you go). Another way if you don’t have a water cooler at your office is to chug a bottle of laxatives. This way, you may even be able to get out for the day. Now that’s the way of a slack master, truly devoted to his cause. Surf the web This is the obvious one, in fact, you are doing it right now by reading this. Joke sites are time consuming and amusing, however most offices block these sites due to their unproductive nature. If you’re the lucky bastard who works at an office without a block, use and abuse your privileges away my friend (just don’t look at pr0n, cause like all girls in life, the ones on the internet are dirty. They’ll give your computer something nasty that can be passed around the office if you don’t use a topical crème… I mean antivirus software). Instant Messenger Instant messenger programs are known by all to be slack programs, so you are at high risk while using them. Most offices will block instant messenger programs, but this can be changed easily. Just reset the port number so it searches for an active port and connect through that. This way you can talk to your slacker friends at home from your cubicle. That’s it, I have nothing funny to say about instant messenger. Get high at lunch I’ve never actually done this at a real job before, just when I worked at CVS. Most places will allow you to leave for lunch, so if you have a car, now’s the perfect time to pick up your friends for a cruise. When your time is up, stop at a fast food place, order 100 burgers or something, then bring them back to work. Eat them at your office. This way when people come by to ask you to work, turn around sharply and with a mouthful of food and say “Damnit (persons name), can’t you see I’m on my fucking lunch break?” really put an emphasis on the “fucking” so they know you are serious. Do something entertaining while you’re still buzzing, like stare at the wall or have conversations with inanimate objects. I don’t suggest combining the bathroom slacking with this slacking though, because if you do, you’ll think your insides are falling out and the results won’t be good. Play “spin the hypodermic needle” A fun game you can play with your coworkers and all slack at the same time. Fill a hypodermic needle with a mystery liquid and find a safe spot where all of you can sit in a circle without being seen. Spin the needle and whoever the sharp end points to gets stuck with the needle. Now that one of you is infected, the rest of you can haul him off to the hospital for treatment (and many days of recovery), and slack while you do that. Everyone’s a winner! Do things you can do at home at work Everyone has a to-do list when they get home. By getting a head start at work, you can have even more time to slack off at home (creating slack time at home while slacking at work? Great-Scott Marty, we’ve stumbled upon a paradox!). By doing things like writing excessively long articles at work instead of at home where you should be writing them, means more free time later! So what have you learned? Slacking is an art that when performed properly, leads to you being paid for doing nothing. Combining Different types of slack together can lead to even bigger slack than if you just did the two separately. The office provides you with many tools that can be used for slacking in a work environment. No matter what you do, always look busy while doing it, and unless you are blatantly slacking, no one will question if you are working or not. Now go get ‘em slacker, by reading this entire article, you have accumulated about $4 - $11 (depending on your pay and how fast you read) from sitting on your ass doing nothing. 2 days (total of 5 hours) of slacking, 5 pages of writing, and $55 earned went into making this article.  |
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| Pac-Man |
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Chaser of Orbs
Registered Member #312
Joined: Sat Jun 24 2006, 02:02PMPosts: 193 |
PURE INSPIRATION! We think alike! I have implemented (most) of those already! I actually cant move my comp, but i have a mirror on the other side of my desk, i can see people coming behind me  no office ninja can get me! Great article dude, its a keeper. Ill slack some more at work and save it as a text document then email it to myself. If its not copyrighted, that is.  Thats good stuff man, i was continually amazed at how much we think alike!
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| .4ngryToasters |
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you would
Registered Member #149
Joined: Sun Feb 12 2006, 01:08AM Posts: 2039 |
heheheh, mirrors, now why didnt I think of that. I think I'll just steal one of the huge half globes they stick where hallways intersect. 
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| Pac-Man |
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Chaser of Orbs
Registered Member #312
Joined: Sat Jun 24 2006, 02:02PM Posts: 193 |
HAHA now that wouldnt be a bit suspicious. i have a mirror in the office to slack, but they all think im just an egotistical ass. win some, lose some. Edited Wed Jun 28 2006, 06:55PM |
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| Night_Ninja |
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Registered Member #188
Joined: Sat Apr 01 2006, 04:34PMPosts: 261 |
I sleep under my desk, like george costanza, I got a nightlight, blanket, coffee shelf, alarm clock, and everything. And now I know your name.....GREG. MUWAHAHAHAH! |
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| Wu-banga |
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Registered Member #49
Joined: Tue Dec 06 2005, 01:37AMPosts: 1561 |
 classic post! I read the whole thing. What makes it even funnier is that you wrote this at your office. True slacker!
Edited Wed Jun 28 2006, 07:56PM
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| Pac-Man |
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Chaser of Orbs
Registered Member #312
Joined: Sat Jun 24 2006, 02:02PM Posts: 193 |
lol @ night_ninja | ||
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| Kamikazi Watermelon |
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Bitch
Registered Member #20
Joined: Mon Nov 21 2005, 08:06PMPosts: 98 |
i work at dunkin donuts so i dont have a cubicle 
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| [FT] CaTPooP |
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nightrider![[FT] CaTPooP](/media/avatar/100x0/upload/sketch2s.1145985608.jpg)
Registered Member #122
Joined: Sat Jan 07 2006, 09:16AMPosts: 202 |
you guys are too much lol | ||
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| Pac-Man |
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Chaser of Orbs
Registered Member #312
Joined: Sat Jun 24 2006, 02:02PM Posts: 193 |
ill take that as a compliment cat_poop
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