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| Why Minivans Suck | ||
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| .4ngryToasters |
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you would
Registered Member #149
Joined: Sun Feb 12 2006, 01:08AMPosts: 2039 |
Why Minivans Suck Minivans are the only vehicle you have to be an absolute vagina to drive. Never have I seen someone behind the wheel of this engineering monstrosity that could show the slightest skills of a good driver. I believe minivans cause 90% of all road rage related incidents today (the other 10% resulting from Vermont drivers, but we’ll get to that another time). Nothing pisses me off more than seeing that moving wall pull out in front of me on a no passing zone. You drive a minivan, you suck. Period. There is no argument that can redeem you from such a crime. But I’m a man; I drive a manly minivan! No you aren’t, and no you don’t. The second you sit behind that driver’s seat, a device pops out of the cup holder and immediately castrates you. This is proven by the surprised look I get every time I pass an idiot doing 45 in the fast lane of the highway. This point is further proven by my buddy Chris, who drives a minivan. 6 months in that thing and BOOM! he’s gay. Didn’t even see it coming. Oh I’m just borrowing it! WRONG ANSWER! For this argument, I’m assuming you had to drop off your real car for some reason (god help you if you still have your car, but you decided to borrow a minivan). There are so many reasons why you would never have to borrow a minivan from anyone. Many car dealers will give you a free car to rent while you take your car in for a tune up. If they hand you the keys to a minivan (this applies to Hertz, Enterprise, or any other car rental company), simply slap them across the face then force feed them the keys. Then you’ll definitely never have to rent a minivan again. Maybe your friend offered for you to borrow their minivan. Your friend obviously doesn’t like you. Tell him you’re not going to hang out with someone who doesn’t respect you, sucker punch him/her in the neck and abruptly take a dump on their chest while they’re down. No worries about borrowing a minivan from them there on. But they are convenient! Yeah right. A sedan is convenient, and won’t block the sight of every driver behind you. They get better gas mileage and horsepower too. They also allow you to reach all your kids from the front seat, so you can punch one in the crotch if they start misbehaving. But a sedan is too small; I need all 7 seats for my kids! Ok, if you’re thinking you need to invest in a minivan to haul the fricken Brady Bunch around, maybe you should be focused on a more important investment… like a condom. There is no need for more than 3 kids these days. If sperm can get through, choose door number two I always say. But sliding doors are sexy! Yeah, nothing like a sliding door. The entire reason sliding doors were engineered into the minivan’s design was: A) People don’t know how to open a regular car door, so they end up getting their paint job all over someone else’s car.  People who drive minivans don’t know how to park, so there’s never enough room for them to get their fat asses out the door.Yet sadly they forgot to make the two front doors idiot proof. So I still refuse to park next to one anywhere. Way to go door-tards. But I like being higher above the road then you! This is one thing I don’t get. It seems the smaller the driver is, the bigger the vehicle they want to get. Your first concern in buying a vehicle should be “Can I control something this big,†not “wow, 3 axels, I bet I can get another 4 inches higher off the road than that U-Haul truck!†What are you tired of having people look down to talk to you your whole life, so you have to be above everyone else when you drive, even if it means sacrificing most of your control and all of your sensibility? I’m 5’8â€; an average height; and the closer I can get to the road the better. But my parents gave me a minivan as my first car! Burn it. Burn it and wait until the rims melt off the rotors, then call the fire department and collect on the insurance. Buy a new car with your insurance money. If you couldn’t figure this out by the first ride you took in it, you will forever be cursed by the minivan unmanlyness. But those cameras in the back bumper make for some nifty parallel parking! Yeah, they put every safety device in that car to keep you from being an absolute tard. There’s just one problem, you have to pay attention to the monitor (or pings if you have one of those sonar sensors) to use it. You can’t even regular park, so why do minivans ever attempt to parallel park? Every time I see a minivan with their blinker on to get in a narrow spot, I pull over and watch because it always makes me laugh. If you had a car, then at least you could put your back window and rear view mirrors to use. But I have blinkers on my side-view mirrors, those are cool! Minivan drivers are all blinker-tards. They either don’t use them at all and cut off yielding traffic because of this, or It’s on all the time cause the soccer Mom is to busy yelling at her little snots in the back seat. I drive really slow cause it’s safer! If you look carefully on the side of the road, every so often you will see a sign with a number on it. This is called the speed limit. People spent our tax dollars researching that road and determined what the proper speed would be for safe travel. What this means to you is, you’re being a hazard by not going that speed while everyone else is. Dumbass. I’m a woman which makes me a good multitasker; so it’s ok for me to talk to my friend on the phone, shove a Big Mac in my mouth, and scream at my shitty kids in the back seat for being little shit heads while I drive around town doing a max speed of 22 mph! Save your multitasking for the kitchen, where it belongs. (jk ladies, multitasking is good in the bedroom too) But it’s the only vehicle big enough to hold my order at the drive through! Touché I need a dvd player in the roof of my car to keep my ADD prone kids from driving me insane! Minivans aren’t the only vehicles that have dvd players in them. Many sedans now come with them, and portable ones are cheap enough at best buy. However I can’t tell you how many times I’ve actually seen the driver of the car actually looking at the dvd screen instead of the road. Maybe your kids aren’t the ones with ADD… As you can see, there is no practical use in the automotive world today for minivans. They are nothing more than accident prone/moving roadblocks, which trade paint like STD’s among college students.  |
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| kremit |
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Space Monkey
Registered Member #1
Joined: Sat Nov 12 2005, 03:26AMPosts: 378 |
I must say... Minivans attract 'excerbitches' Excerbitch (noun) Spandex wearing Anorexic Yoga loving Vagina Excerbitch magnet = minivan |
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| the pope |
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above the clouds since 1983
Registered Member #15
Joined: Sat Nov 19 2005, 05:47AMPosts: 356 |
man you have too much time on your hands i think the world should rid it self of every minivan including that peice of shit truck that came out that lookes exactly like a box. how u ask? destruction derby i say that cuz they all have built on rollcages ;D execpt that peice of shit box truck it doesnt deserve one Edited Wed Aug 09 2006, 02:40PM |
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| Maya Fey |
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Hotashi
Registered Member #368
Joined: Sat Jul 29 2006, 03:10AMPosts: 92 |
*runs back to his Ford Freestyle* | ||
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| Noname|Boom |
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That one guy...
Registered Member #250
Joined: Tue May 09 2006, 11:59PMPosts: 2603 |
I have a Toyota Sienna (I didn't buy it) and I see nothing wrong with it, it's easy to carry the family (me, mom, dad, and 2 bros). It's comfortable, awesome air conditioning, that's all I care about a minivan. | ||
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| kd. |
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♥ (✿◠‿◠) ♥
Registered Member #75
Joined: Sat Dec 17 2005, 08:51PMPosts: 3128 |
When you said "box truck" pope, do you mean box wagon? The Scion xB isn't a truck. It's a low, 101 horsepower car, and it only has 101 ft-lbs. of torque. Only a 4-cylander engine. |
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| .4ngryToasters |
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you would
Registered Member #149
Joined: Sun Feb 12 2006, 01:08AM Posts: 2039 |
Doesn't matter, it still deserves to be in a destruction derby with a trunk full of nitroglycerin... | ||
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| Beck |
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Don't be suprised if I take over the world some day.
Registered Member #372
Joined: Wed Aug 02 2006, 01:06AMPosts: 16 |
I agree, Driving to school only yesterday to regester for next year i was cut off TWICE by minivans. The first one really pissed me off cause it was some 80 yr old bitch talking on her cellphone, and when I looked at her she stared back like I was some kind of asshole! | ||
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| Rusty |
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FTS Server Op
Registered Member #159
Joined: Wed Mar 01 2006, 06:33PMPosts: 2682 |
You see, my family had a conversion van. These things are great for one reason, and one reason only. I would drive it on occasion. Basically anytime I was going to have sex, and couldn't at my house or the girls. I mean, the back seat folded into a bed. The most comfortable car sex of all time. Other then that I never drove it. | ||
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| Angry Leprechau |
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Uber Luchador
Registered Member #189
Joined: Sun Apr 02 2006, 04:16AMPosts: 345 |
The guys feel cool drifting in their minivans! -[link]- |
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